Is There A Formula For Good Marriage?

I have walked some men and women through their respective divorces. I suppose most of them came to me with an unrealistic expectation that I could advise them on family law and divorce proceedings, albeit my specialization in a different area of law. The irony is that, notwithstanding that family law is always an interesting subject, I had deliberately shunned it as I would never wish to assist any couple to go on separate ways. Perhaps it is the hopelessly romantic nature in me, longing to see blissful and long lasting marriage "till death that do us apart".

The bright side of it? For the sake of helping my dear friends, I have slowly acquired some basic knowledge on family law.

Would those experiences haunt me mentally and emotionally? Would that plant a seed of phobia in me?

That was one incident that affected me so intensely that I wept over it. To the extent that my Queen's Counsel was puzzled whether I was ever "married" (what?!!) to someone else before. Perhaps the mixed feelings of anger, sorrow and frustration (which shall not be too different from a breakup though to a lesser degree) were overwhelming, not to mention the fear of uncertainties that lie ahead for me. It is particularly heart-wrecking to hear from a party who has done his or her best to preserve the marriage, nurture good children and/or maintain the household to its best condition. One cannot help but to wonder, what is love all about? Is there a formula for a good, healthy and long lasting marriage? Why are love, hard work and sacrifice not well rewarded with happy ending?

As a woman, I am constantly struggling the tug-a-war of career and relationship. A woman who works hard in office is more likely to attain success in her career; unfortunately she who does the same at home may not end up in a blissful marriage! Why is that so? Which one is a better "investment" for a woman? Career or marriage?

My answer to it? Hmmm... perhaps the key is to strike a balance to well juggle all aspects of your life, which I believe that the liberalization conferred upon the ladies have also opened up loads of challenge ahead of us - rewarding career, blissful marriage (or relationship), nurturing good kids, financial independence, maintaining good friendships, cultivating personal interests, and never ever forget the importance of keeping fit, healthy, fashionable and HOT*!

In the event anyone of the above fails, especially marriage, we have other things to cling on to before it tears us apart. Gone are those unfair bondage that calls for 100% devotion to the family!

*You know what I mean if you Google search for "Helen Mirren in Bikini"!

Marriage v. Singlehood


I always wonder ~ has God created human beings to live in pair? You will probably convince me with the story in Genesis about how Adam was created by God first, and Eve was subsequently made out of his rib cage to be his companion. That is fine. In that case, it may explain why we are all expected to be married when it comes to our full adulthood. And if you are believer of the Bible, Quran or Torah that endorse the above theory, your spouse has to be an opposite sex!

But then again, is it really doomed to be single? Let's see some of the main concerns, based on my reading and personal experience thus far, for being a single and not attached to a partner*:-

1. In the social aspect, we tend to lose friends as we grow older, especially if you are more of an introvert (like me). If you fail to make new friends, the resulting loneliness leads to, among others, heart disease and depression.

2. In the Oriental society, a single person is always perceived to be an "abnormal" or "unhealthy" outcast. He or she may even be labelled as a "kidult" who dreads full adulthood which also spells more commitments and responsibilities.

3. Women are generally prone to suffer from depression due to their monthly hormonal experience. Scientific research has proven that sexual contact and emotional intimacy with a man help to uplift a woman's mood hence the finding that a happily married woman is always caring, jovial and enthusiastic about life. BBC has reported a medical finding that a married person lives a healthier and happier life than a single. On the other hand, a single lady may not have such indulgence and therefore she is susceptible to mood swing and depression.

4. A single person may have less financial burden to live by but he or she also does not have the benefit of getting financial support from his or her spouse.

5. A married person may have a more fulfilling life if he is happily married. A man is healthier with his wife looking after his diet and physical needs. A woman has her husband to listen to her fret and whine that helps to her release her emotions.

And the list goes on.

(disclaimer: I have no intention to demean a person's choice to be a single. Rest assured that I empathise those struggle that one has to go through to make (or be forced to make) this decision...)

But then again how do you explain the heartache caused by the emotional distress from break-up or divorce? A disastrous marriage is proven to jeopardise a person's well-being 10 times more than the distress of being single. I shall talk about this issue in my other posting.

Having said that, I have some counter-arguments to defend the benefits of being a single as follows:-

1. A single person has full control over his life. He does not have to scratch his head worrying about sufficient income to support his spouse. She can always spend her money on fashion, accessories or SPA treatments that she fancies without any sense of guilt.

2. A single person can focus on his career without the distraction from a spouse. She can stay at back till late and thereafter proceed to the club for a girls' night-out.

3. A single person may still devote her love to care for the underprivileged in the orphanage or old folks' home.

4. A more sexually adventurous person has all the benefits to pursue his sexual freedom without the pain of being condemned for cheating and adultery. Certainly, no legal obligation to take care of his wife and kids too. Lots of "diamond bachelors" probably enjoy this sort of philandering lifestyle hence the fear of marriage.

5. A single person can spend most of her time pursuing her life passion or rather, a second nature that she hopes to explore. She would rather spend her youth on globe-trotting than caring for the family.

And this list is not exhaustive too.

I suppose the choice of your marital status is really something personal subject to your own set of circumstances. Not every married person is happy, neither is the single person unhappy about his life. Who are we to pass any judgement upon your choice?